for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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