Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
