Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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