i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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