well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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