I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Did you pee in the oven last night??
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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