Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
