Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
