I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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