this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize