I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Quick, to the slutcave!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
