He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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