Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
