Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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