I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
