I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
