Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.