I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere