So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
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I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
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Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"