I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
