we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
