Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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