god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
