By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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