2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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