True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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