Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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