My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
