"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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