I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
