I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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