Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my being single is dangerous.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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