She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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