i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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