I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
