The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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