She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
