I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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