Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
there's paper in my vomit.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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