If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
