Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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