Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
