1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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