My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
