he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
