"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
