I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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