i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
