So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
