i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize