Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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