Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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