I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
