what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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