She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This is my gift to your gina
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
