just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
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She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
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I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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