The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
