Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
