Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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