i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
be right there i have to get my cape
My ass is underappreciated
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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