Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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