I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
